6 Pieces of Parenting Advice I Can Offer on Mother's Day

Going through my daughter's iPod, was the best gift I could have possibly given to myself this Mother's Day.

Listen, I'm completely aware that this holiday isn't for me. To anyone who exists on this earth and who's Mother (or mother in-law, for that matter) is alive and around - this holiday isn't for you either. Sorry about that.

We're in the process of purchasing a house... (It's a huge Pain in the A$$ B-T-Dubs... more to come on that in the future) - the point is... I don't want any gifts right now ... Essentially whatever is spent on me, is less that we can spend on furniture (of which we won't have enough to fill our house) so I have to make some sacrifices... 

Or at least I thought... 

My amazing husband lost his Mother a few months ago... The ability to power through and still get my car detailed today and express himself in such a beautiful way... was enough of a gift, in and of itself.

Xoxo

But then...

Dun Dun Dunnnnnn

My daughter asked me to look at a video she had made on her iPod. It was HILARIOUS... (I can't show it to you all because she does some pelvis thrusting motion that makes me uncomfortable to share on the internet)

Anyway... After this video... we spent about an hour reviewing (and laughing at) her iPod photo content. 

Meanwhile... it's not just me that is laughing at her ridiculousness... 

It's her too, she understands how silly she is... 

And she knows how much she is loved... 

Otherwise, she wouldn't have the confidence to display herself looking like this... 

'

Yea that's a tough one...

Then... I got to the tipping point.  I decided I needed to write this blog post. It isn't enough to share the video on Facebook... I needed to comment on it. 

LET ME BE COMPLETELY FORTHCOMING - This video is 10 minutes long. 

TEN MINUTES. 

Here is what you will learn after watching this ridiculously long video... and my parenting advice to you this Mother's Day... 

1) Buy your kid an iPod...(Or any other type of recording apparatus)

How Else could you capture content such as this? You can't. Remember all that stupid stuff you used to do in your bedroom when you were by yourself in front of a mirror? Well... They don't really make mirrors anymore, we have iDevices for that. 

2) Don't leave your kid unattended in their room for more than 5 minutes at a time (seriously, don't) 

Imagine what could happen in 6 minutes... or imagine what could happen in 10 minutes in the event that your kid doesn't have the slightest fear that you will show-up any minute.

3) Don't give your 7 year old any of your old make-up and make her promise she won't use it without your permission (It's just too tempting, you certainly will be setting her up for failure)

In this video... Olivia May or may not utilize cheap eyeshadow as foundation... I haven't taught her how to use Make-up yet... because she's fricken 7 years old... I may or may not have contradicted myself by giving my daughter my cheap makeup that she doesn't know how to use - when she is just too young to understand how wrong she is about proper application. 

4) Don't be surprised that when your daughter is home alone with your husband... shit is likely to go down

Spoiler alert... You will see my husband enter the room... tell her that they will be scootering soon enough.. and then exit. No mention of, "Hey Olivia - Whatcha recording there?" or "Hey Olivia - why are you putting Makeup on in the middle of a Monday Afternoon when you're not supposed to?"

5) Don't put a TV in your baby's bedroom and then expect her to go without - later when you realize what a horrible mistake you have made... it's not necessary (Seriously Olivia? You're making a You Tube Video - pay attention!) 

My daughter doesn't have ADD... She certainly looks like she does.. but let's  be honest - we would all be a little distracted if the TV was BLASTING two inches from our face... EVEN IF we were trying to become a YouTube Star. 

And the post important piece of parenting advice I can offer you... 

6) DO NOT let your child post things to the internet without your permission.

In this specific instance... I posted it. Posting isn't granted on the individual contributor level with this one until she is ATLEAST 21.

Ps... Any time she turns away from the camera ... Feel free to fast forward because it's not like she just "glances" at the tv... 

Thoughts on Religion

Hmmmm. Religion.

Here's the thing... now that I am no longer required to post these blogs for school, chances are they will come up as controversial conversations in my life arise. So a few things will be true.

1) They will come as they come  (likely in no fashion that will build a following).

2) They will be random (again in no fashion that will build a following) and

3) They won't be forced... which hopefully will result in a better quality read for the rest of you (but, full disclosure - I drink a lot - so it's completely possible they won't be as good as my drunk-self thinks they will be).

Back to my thoughts on Religion...

I was baptized, I got my first communion, and I almost got confirmed...

Before I pretend like this will be a jaw-dropper, let me start by saying that, at the end of this story... I didn't get confirmed. Sorry. 

When it was my turn, we had the option to do a week-long, what I now refer to as, God Boot-Camp- or we needed to do one hour every day throughout the ENTIRE school year, in order to be ready for the big event (I'm talking about Confirmation, for those who aren't following).

Due to my overall lack of attention, accompanied with my realization of my lack of attention at a very early age, I opted for a week vs a year.  Makes perfect sense... even now.

So, after Boot-Camp I had two sessions left. Practice and Graduation. Easy-squeezy!

 Here's the problem....

Based on the information that I had been provided with at the time... Baptism was my entrance into this world and Communion was my Parent's way of officially bringing me into to the Religion.

Confirmation was me accepting it was the right decision.

This, along with going for my black-belt at 13 while being told that I would be considered a "lethal weapon" for the rest of my life... was too much commitment for me at this period of my existence.

Other kids didn't think twice about it (both the black belt test and confirmation, but for the purposes of this exposé, we're discussing Confirmation).

Everyone else got confirmed (then didn't step foot in a catholic church again until someone needed to get married, but that's besides the point). Good for them.

Problem was... I wasn't going to commit to anything if I wasn't completely sure what I was committing to.

I remember my confirmation teacher by her face but, luckily for her and the church, I can't remember her name for the life of me.

I asked her, "What is the difference between the Catholic Religion and other Christian Religions?". I was somewhat ignorant to religious differences,,fine; but it wasn't as if I was asking what the difference was between us and those who didn't believe in Jesus.

She didn't know. Or... she knew and wouldn't tell me. Either way, her answer didn't quite cut it.

At this point, even in my young life, she had lost all credibility. Therefore, anything she had taught me in boot-camp couldn't be trusted, and I needed additional time to do some research.

This, coupled with fun-week-long retreats at my friends Baptist Church and my Mom's lack of commitment to the effort (proven by the fact she would drop me off at Church on Sunday Mornings and come pick me up when Mass was over), ended up in me not ever being confirmed.

A few years after this event, after I thought that I had grown up (I was wrong... shocker); I started to look into it a little bit.

I visited several different churches, including but not limited to,  those of the Baptist, Protestant, Non-Denomenational and Orthodox varieties.

The common thread? The Bible.

The interpretations and/or mis-interpretations of them, all brought me to where I'm at now, which is for another time....

The point I was trying to get to is that the Catholic Religion seems to push more people away, than it does draw people in.

Listen... Confirmation or No Confirmation, I went to a Bar Mitzvah and I felt so guilty I wanted to go to confession, "Bless me Father, for I have sinned... It has been 15 years since my last Confession". Of course I mean no offense to the Jewish religion, it just isn't my thing... and don't judge me, that's how I was raised.

So... the question remains... how do we raise our children?

I can't claim to be Catholic... but my family is Catholic... my Husband's family is Catholic... my Neices just got their Confirmation and my Cousin's daughter is getting her first communion in a few weeks.... I was baptized, and my husband was baptized... and in the last 7 years of her life, everyone has been asking who her God Parent's are.

For the first time in my parental life, I'm wondering if I made the wrong decision, but for all the right reasons. Is Catholisism a religion? Or is Catholisim a Culture? ... and if is solely a religion, why do I feel a Cultural pressure on adhering to the Catholic Religion?

I don't have the answer.

I'm literally asking

(Need I remind you that no one put a gun to your head forcing you to read this, so please share your negative crap with your Mother, because I'm not necessarily interested in what you have to say)





 

5 Things to Consider When Enrolling in College After You're Old Enough to Drink

So, in the past my inappropriate mommy blog has done a lot of ranting a raving about how difficult it can be to manage too many things at once. I've talked about my daughter, my inappropriate cleaning habits (or lack thereof) - I've talked about my favorite commercials, books, SNL skits etc.

What I haven't done, is give you enough insight into my studies. 

As a twenty-something professional, who can see the light at the end of this very very dark tunnel that I like to call - college when it isn't fun anymore - I feel the need to share the ups and downs, just incase you yourself were planning to embark upon this journey. 

If you're wondering whether or not your old-ass ("You're not too old for this earth, you're just too old for this club" - name that movie!) wants to go back to school to pursue your passion. Consider these five things first. 

1) Don't play the numbers game 

What do I mean by this? It's along the lines of being a Senior in High School and deciding NOT to become a Doctor because it will take too long. That's stupid. 

There are a ton of things that go into this decision, but just because it will take a long time, shouldn't be a deciding factor. 

The question you need to ask yourself is, "Would I rather be 30 (or insert appropriate age) with a degree, or 30 without one?"

Time passes (I know, it sucks), but it's going to pass whether you're in school or you're not. You may as well try and make the most of it. 

2) Then again - Think about the Numbers

Numbers - as in the ones that follow this sign ----->

Let me tell you something. In case you've been hiding under a rock and previously unaware. It costs a lot of money to go back to school. 

It costs a lot of money to go to school period - the only difference is, when you're of drinking age and decide you're changing your life's path -  now it's your money you'd be spending.

So go ahead, comment about how your parents didn't pay for your college. Tell me about how your paying back student loans until the day you die. Blah Blah Blah

Listen, it's still different. 

There comes a point in your life, when you're sick of asking for things from other people. You don't want to borrow another red cent from your Mother, for the sole reason that you don't want her to have an opinoin on how you spend it (although she still will - at least she may not feel the absolute need to share it with you). 

It's called growing up and becoming independent of your parents. It's necessary - and just like time passing - it also sucks. 

Think tuition, fees (did you know that they charge more to take all your classes online? They call it a "Distance Learning Fee".... go ahead try and make sense of that), Books, Computer Software, Interest on loans, pens, pencils, highlighters, gas, ink etc - consider it all. When you're done - how much are you expecting to get paid as a result of the degree (I suggest you do some research, it likely is less than you think). 

You get the point - and if you don't you probably shouldn't go back to school anyway. 

3) Figure Out Who You're Trying To Impress

The possibilities of potential people who would make this list - are endless.  Parents, friends, siblings, co-workers, your kids etc. Name them all.

I'm not one to say that it's not a good enough reason, or that the people on that list aren't worth it. Maybe it is and maybe they are. I'll help you dwindle it down.

Step 1 : Make List

Step 1: Make List

Just be honest with yourself. You don't have to publish it in the New York Times... it can be FYEO (catch that 90's reference?) 

Step 2: Remove anyone who has already graduated

Chances are, you've got some college graduates on your list. Take them off immediately. People aren't impressed when you do something they have already done. College is hard - but it's harder when you're not having any fun while doing it. They won't appreciate it, so by removing them from the list - you will save yourself the disappointment.

Step 3: Remove anyone under the age of 21

Kids of all ages can be crossed off now. They don't care. Think about how impressed you were with your Mother when she did your laundry when you were 7, or how proud you were when she had dinner ready for you after school. They don't understand, they won't ever understand, take them off now. 

Step 4: Re-Analyze your list 

Now that your list has been dwindled down to a select few... give it a once over. This is your list. Self-actualization mixed with a touch of reality.

Now... If your list includes "ME" (not me, the inappropriate mommy blogger - "me" as in you)... You are now finished with this exercise.

If your list does NOT include "ME" or any variant of it... proceed to step 5.

Step 5: Throw away the list - forget about it and get a better job

4) Understand What You Will Be Giving Up

Time passes regardless, I know I said that.

Please understand that it is a huge commitment - don't start if you don't plan on finishing, that's just a waste. But it is a sacrifice. 

You are sacrificing your time, your money and your sanity among other things of course. 

Figure out what you would be doing with your time, money and sanity - if it isn't being spent on group projects and boring lectures. 

Would you be making more money? Would you be starting a business? Would you have the energy to invent something spectacular that the world didn't realize it couldn't live without? This is pushing it I know. Would you travel? Would you be paying more attention to your kid while they're still young enough to want the attention? 

Time passes regardless. If your not going to go to school, because you could accomplish so much more - or it just isn't worth it, because your kid will be little for only a little longer.... make sure that you don't waste it.

Because if you don't make more money, or you don't start a business, or you don't invent something spectacular that the world didn't realize it needed, or you don't spend the time with your kids - or whatever else you felt was more important than doing what you wanted- you made a bad choice.

 ... just to end on a lighter note - you need to know... 

5) There Are ALOT of Stupid People in College

And --- you will be expected to interact with them... Regularly...  Like, every semester in almost every single class - all the time. 

Whether in group projects or on discussion board postings or teaching your class, they're EVERYWHERE, and your grade will depend on them. 

I've been in upper level classes for a while now. It amazes me how some of these people graduated high school - let alone are a few classes from graduating College. Frankly, I'm not even convinced some of them know how to get out of their own neighborhood. 

So, wherever you fall on the scale of dumb-ass-ness - I'm sure you will do fine in College, it will be harder if your stupid, but it happens all the time apparently.

And if you can make it without pulling your hair out, you're probably lower on the scale than you thought ;)

Parenting at it's finest

I came up with the idea for this blog post a few months ago when I was cleaning. It's ironic because my last blog post was all about how I don't clean.

At this moment in time... I was going through my daughter's room. I was astonished at how much crap she had accumulated since the last time I was in there. 

As the cleaning lady comes pretty regularly, I run in there to wake her up or to tell her to clean her own room - seldomly actually taking a solid look around to take it all in. 

That kid is a bag lady. She loves bags. Everything is in a bag!

The future I need to save her from

Inside an old book bag, was a purse with a ziplock bag inside the purse. What was in the ziplock bag you ask? 

It was a rock.  

I asked, there wasn't a good reason - incase you were wondering. 

Forget about the sneaky drawing that happens on all of her furniture. Like, what was she thinking? Did it cross her mind that I wouldn't mind if she wrote all over the furniture?

Does she think it's cool to "tag" her dresser? She must have been claiming it as her own incase a dresser thief came in the middle of the night ... "Oh, I can't steal this dresser - it already has someone else's name on it." 

This is only after I BANNED food and drink in the room. No food, no drink - not even water. When you find crusty string cheese under your daughter's pillow - you would ban the food and drink too. 

Anyway, back to the day I came up with the blog post... I was in her room - and she has bunk beds. she's only one person - so she doesn't really sleep on the top bunk. That's reserved for the cat. 

So, as I decided against taking the comforter and putting in the wash - only to pull out the vacuum and strategically vacuum the comforter that was on the top bunk.. I though to myself.. 

Wow - I'm not really good at this parenting thing. 

I figured I wasn't alone, so I asked my friends what makes them a good parent, and what makes them a shitty parent. I also opened it up to speaking of their own good and shitty parents. 

The good parts included a lot of loving them, teaching them  and showing them stuff... 

The bad parts included losing them, leaving them places and hiding food from them...  

I did get one of these though... Again, in response to - "Tell me the best thing and the worst thing you've ever done as a parent" 

"Teach my son the correct way to light a bottle rocket.

Shot my son with a bottle rocket"

That was my brother. Gotta love him. 

Here's my list. Now watch this inappropriate mommy blog make you feel pretty good about yourself. 

My daughter still doesn't know how to ride a bike, partly because we live an apartment and she doesn't have one, and partly because I'm afraid of bikes and it makes me cringe. 

 I spend most evenings doing homework and ignoring her. She has to schedule play dates with me (this makes me sad). 

She's had a TV in her room since she was an infant - her imaginary friends were Steve and Joe from Blues Clues.  

She eats Lucky Charms and drinks soda. 

She's late to school at least once every two weeks because I can't seem to get that - wake up when the alarm clock goes off - thing down. 

Some days I wonder when the last time she took a shower was... 

We took her to see American Sniper (in my defense, she ended up watching Netflix inside her hoodie after about 4 minutes) 

We reward her with Skittles. 

When she wants to go somewhere and we don't feel like it - we tell her it's closed. (Beach, Park, Pool, Chuck E Cheese ... etc) 

And to all of you perfect parents out there, that stuff is pretty unforgiving, I know. 

But... And this is a BIG but... (Not like Kim Kardashian big, but big nonetheless)

She is amazing. And contrary to popular belief,  it didn't happen by accident. 

We weren't blessed with a child who magically could over-come all odds. 

We must be doing something right. 

When we spend time with her - we spend quality - no frills - time with her. She knows that we love her. She knows that we protect her. She trusts us. She believes in us. She banks on us.

If we, as parents, spend all of our time focusing on what we're doing wrong... that's all we will see. 

BUT - if we try to just do the right thing, right at that moment - and we pay attention to what we are doing RIGHT.

We will see what we are doing right. Then we can roll with that... 

Author of this inappropriate mommy blog and her inappropriate daughter. 

Three SOLID Reasons Why I Pay Someone Else to Clean My House

This isn't me.

I'm like - the furthest thing from "well off" ... but as far as budgeting is concerned - I would budget a cleaning service before I budget food.

No one seems to understand the background on why a mother and wife, can't handle a three bedroom apartment on her own.

Here's why... (and you thought this would be a USELESS inapproriate mommy blog) 

1) It takes me FOREVER 

I have ADD. Not the good kind where you can't sit still and need to constantly be doing something cough cough Lauren cough cough. 

The kind where I can't do only one thing. Ever.

Let me explain....

If it takes you five minutes to throw in a load of laundry - good for you. I put clothes in the wash, and then... I walk around for five minutes looking for more clothes, get easily distracted and start washing dishes - or watching TV.

Then, magically it is 24 hours later and the lid to my washing machine is still up and the water is full to the top with no clothes in it. :(

Or I start to write a blog post and stop to read an e-mail and get completely side-tracked for two hours.

Better yet and even more specific...

I like to clean on Friday Nights. In the event I am in dire need of cleaning my own house - I prefer to do it on a Friday Night.

It's two-fold.

If I clean on a Friday Night, no one judges me for drinking on a saturday morning AND when I wake up on Saturday I am blessed with a clean house and nothing more to do, other than enjoy my weekend!

Doesn't that sound spectacular? 

One of these Friday nights, I started to clean my kitchen. I realized that I had to put dishes away and there wasn't enough cabinet space shocker, I live in an apartment - most of my pots are in my dishwasher and oven.

So.. I started to clean out my cabinets; as my, pots and pans cabinet, is on the lower level - I decided to whip out my daughter's teeth brushing step stool in oder to complete the task.

Well - let me tell you something! On that low level - there is a lot to be desired with the cleanliness of my living space.

Enter - Toothbrush.

Baseboards - spots on the walls. All of a sudden it's 2 AM - I have pots and pans all over my kitchen, my house is a mess and only half of the baseboards in my living room and kitchen are clean.

In the less severe circumstances, it still takes me forever for the mere fact that if you are cleaning half of a room at a time, and then go back and clean half of another room - and then go back again and clean half of what is left from the first room - and then start a third room.... do you see where the problem may be? Multi-tasking isn't possible...

Give this bad boy a try - and then try to say I'm wrong ... Proof Multi-Tasking Doesn't Quite Cut It

2) Pain 

I don't know about you... but 8 hours of doing ANYTHING could cause some serious physical pain in the event your out of shape and don't do any physical activity (that's me).

The last time I spent a Friday Evening cleaning - My legs hurt - my arms hurt - my stomach muscles hurt ---- my face even hurt because I was frowning the whole time.

Squatting to pick stuff up off the floor - lifting things, and putting everything away - UGH.

No Thanks! 


3) It Will Single-Handedly Save My Marriage


I am not from the school of - the woman does the housework and the man goes to work.

And - to a certain extent and unfortunately for both of us, I feel as if my husband is.

Actually, it's not that the woman has to the do the housework - it's just that the man doesn't.

Man - Lawn
Man - Grill
Man - Garbage
Man - Anything that requires a tool

Woman - Everything else.



That "Everything Else" Clause - includes a few stipulations I'm not quite comfortable with.

In addition, my definition of "Tool" and Man's definition of "Tool" - differ greatly.

Cleaning "Tools" 

For instance, I believe a dish wand - could qualify as a tool. Or even a washing machine and dryer.

An iron is a tool to iron clothing.

A vacuum is a tool to get the shit out of the carpet.

A towel could be considered a tool to wipe the kitchen counters.

A toilet bowl brush ..BAM.. Tool to clean the toilets...

So you see our dilemma?

My handsome, supportive and loving husband doesn't care who does it - as long as it doesn't have to be him.

And, let's face it... I can't blame him (due to that being my stance also).

That being said... when I DO end up cleaning the house... I feel as if it was huge favor I just did for him specifically - and this is where the difference of opinion comes in.

For instance... we rent a condo, therefore we're not responsible for any repairs.

We had a closet fall down twice and we weren't paying the lady to come clean AGAIN with a room that she couldn't even access due to the mounds of clothes and crap all over the place.

Mind you this happened after I completed some winter-break de-cluttering and re-organizing; and based on the tone of this post I'm sure you can see how utterly un necessary this was to my well-being

Here's where I came in (only because home-boy decided to host a Super Bowl party the next day, might I graciously add). 

Anyway, because it was semi-sort-of last minute - I didn't get my cleaning done on Friday Night.

I started to clean at 4PM on Saturday afternoon. I didn't finish until after 2AM.

That being said... I was mad. Not necessarily for good reason, but mad nonetheless.

Like REALLY mad. Like, don't even look at me right now, mad...

Like, if-your-finger-touches-my-arm-I-will-break-it, mad.

He had to bribe me into not being mad anymore. That only occurred after I had my fit, didn't speak to him for half the day, and he agreed to take Olive to school the ENTIRE week. This meant I could wake up 45 minutes later every day - and I'm not an early person - so it holds great value in my eyes. 


All in all, it's a give and take. I'm willing to GIVE money to someone to clean my house ... and in turn I will TAKE food from our mouths to pay for it.

Laugh Out Loud - I crack myself up.

See... this inappropriate mommy blog provides humor AND marriage advice.

Trying to Navigate Everything - When You Can't Concentrate on Anything!!

I'm a spaz.

Anyone who has known me for any significant period of time, has quickly realized that I'm all over the place!

I was asked today, "Can you ever do one thing at a time?"

The answer is No. I can't. 

Mind you, this is when I'm in peak season. I easily could go back into my cocoon of TV watching and doing nothing at all - those times are special to my heart.

Why does this happen, you ask? Because I go hard or I go home (to watch TV in my cocoon of TV watching and doing nothing at all) 

Historically, I do better when I have more going on. I feel like this is the way humans are.

When you have so much to do, that you cannot sit down for one second to think - you don't sit down for one second to think. Therefore you're constantly doing something productive - and getting things done.

On the other hand, when you have time to sit down and think - you do just that. You sit down and think... And in my case - I think about random nothing-ness, that makes me very un-productive. 

For instance...

After the spring of last year, while I was navigating my way through my first few months of managing others at work, planning a wedding, and two ridiculously hard classes (with confusing and unnecessary group projects, of which 75% of my team mates had zero net intellectual value - I was actually surprised they graduated high school let along were in upper level under-grad courses). The classes required a little more attention than I was willing to provide. Forget the whole - raising a child and maintaining a household - that's a whole other thing. Regardless,  I was exhausted. 

I decided that I needed to finish school. Come hell or high-water - I was not going to go another summer, dreading Fall. 

I talked to my advisor - I said, "Forget the minor crap, how do I finish? I need to finish". She said I could drop two classes that were going towards my minor and I would need to take 6 classes and I would be done.

Huh... 6 classes? I could do that. 

Here was the question though, "Three and Three?" "Two and Four?" "Four and Two?" I even considered dragging it out into a two, two, two scenario...

Long story short, I picked 4 and 2. Generally I have always done considerably better in the Fall - it's a shorter period of time, and I have had time off during summer to re-excite my willingness to participate at all.

I graduated last semester with Straight A's (for the first time since I realized that the teacher doesn't always check your homework, in 5th grade).  

Logically it makes sense. I had so many classes I had no chance of spending little to no time on the computer. I had to be in here all the time. I just tried to make it interesting and did what I needed to do. In the end - I did well and I actually learned something. 

Imagine that! I'm assuming other people normally learn something throughout their entire college career - Not I, said the brown cow. C's get degrees - that's been my motto (thanks Russillo for instilling such good values in me at such a young age). 

Through a lot of hard work and a little luck, I'm actually at a place where - it will have approximately zero impact on my current career path, whether or not I ended up finishing school. Degree-speaking that is. 

Why did I bother?

I bothered because of the kids. I bothered because of myself. I bothered because of all the nay-sayers who told me that having a kid when I was 20 would ruin my life, or those who said I wouldn't finish.

That's why I bothered.

That's also why I'm having a graduation party in 7 weeks... who's in? 

My Favorite Things to Come Out of Saturday Night Live

In anticipation for tonight's 40th Anniversary special, I feel the need to share with you some of my favorite things that have come from Saturday Night Live.

I'm 27, so I haven't seen all 40 years of SNL, obviously, but having it as a staple in my life; the show has been referenced, googled, and re-watched pretty frequently over the course of the last couple decades.

On a side note: Remember Mad TV? That was pretty sweet, "Carl, throw down the loofah - I need to wipe off some dead skin!"

Back to SNL - Let's proceed.. In no particular order... and obviously I haven't even touched the surface...

Adam Sandler 

Adam Sandler movies feel like "Home" to me. Whenever I'm in a funk, or sad, or bored, or scrolling through the channels and happen to catch one... Adam Sandler makes me laugh. 

Name that movie... 

"That's your home! Are you too good for your home? Answer me!" 

"Hip - Hip Hop - Hip Hop Anonymous" 

Source

"What you have just said is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever heard. At no point in your rambling, incoherent response were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul" 

Source

Or... How about all the Drew Barrymoore ones... (my personal favorites)

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 This is my favorite movie of all time. This and Superbad. I've seen it hundreds of times. It's hilarious and if you don't think so - I have no words for you.

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They did it again! The chemistry between these two is awesome, from The Wedding Singer to Blended, I truly hope these two go for another. 

And for the ridiculous few who didn't know the answers to my pop-quiz... in order of appearance: Happy Gilmore, Big Daddy, Billy Madison, 50 First Dates, Blended. 

There are many more, but your attention span can't handle it. 

Chris Farley

Sad face. Chris Farley was an amazing actor who was taken far before his time at 33 years old of an overdose. Farley was on SNL from '90 - '95. 

Chris Farley starred in three movies that were released the three years before his death - that you need to watch. 

Name that movie...

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"Rectum? Damn near killed'em!"

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Okay this one was a little harder... JUST KIDDING. In order of appearance... Tommy Boy, Black Sheep, Beverly Hills Ninja

Tina Fey, Amy Poehler, Maya Rudolph and Kristin Wiig

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Talk about inspiration. I thought I was funny (no one else does, but I seem to entertain myself just fine). I couldn't ever do what these few do. Specifically in front of people.

Tina Fey, author of Bossy Pants (of which I reviewed here) started off as a writer for SNL before taking over "Weekend Update" in 2000. For a total of six season, she redefined beauty. 

Amy Poehler, who met Fey in an improv class in Chicago in 1993, starred on SNL from '01 - '09. Her hit TV Series, Parks and Recreation will air it's hour long season finale on Tuesday February 24th. 

Maya Rudolph spent 9 seasons making us laugh with her hilarious impressions of Oprah, Maya Angelou and Beyonce on SNL from '99 - '08.  

Kristin Wiig spent 7 seasons most recently of the four - from '05 - '12.  

OMG - Remember when Liza Minelli Tried to Turn off a Lamp.. 

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Watch Full Video Here

Mary Katherine Gallagher & The Spartan Cheerleaders

"Sometimes, when I get nervous... " Good stuff - and contrary to popular belief, it doesn't get old! People love hearing that when they're drunk. 

Did anyone see The Today Show's Halloween episode this year? That was awesome. The Spartan cheerleaders debuted on SNL January 20, 1996 and re-appeared October 31, 2014 on NBC in the AM

Justin Timberlake, Jimmy Fallon and Adam Samberg

No Words... 

Liquorville..

Put a Ring on it...

Dick in a box...

I threw it on the ground...

All of these things and  WAY more (referenced below) will be the reason why we all sit ourselves down, in real time, and watch TV tonight... even with the commercials. We can't miss one moment. 

Here's the WAY: Chris Rock, Molly Shannon, Bill Murray, Gilda Radner, Bill Hader, Dan Akroyd, Seth Meyers, Eddie Murphy, Rachel Dratch, Fred Armisen, Cheri Oteri, Phil Hartman, Chevy Chase, John Belushi, Mike Myers, Dana Carvey, Jon Lovitz, Kate McKinnon, Will Ferrell... THERE ISN'T ENOUGH TIME!!!

Pecker head... and other ridiculous things my father made me believe

Well, there's an interesting header for ya! Let me explain...

My Dad had a "pet name" for me. Some fathers call their daughter, "Peanut" or "Princess". For me it was, "Get over here you little pecker head!" 

I knew what a "Pecker" was... so, I'm not so sure why it took me so long to figure out that he was essentially calling me a "Dick Head" for all those years.

Let me give you a little background...

My father was a buyer and seller... of things. He didn't see a dumpster as trash. It was an opportunity. Anything could be considered a business opportunity if you looked at it with the right set of glasses on.

His idea of a good time was Garage Sales on Saturday mornings, and betting people I couldn't eat a whole steak at the bar on Saturday Nights (he always won, I was little-but had quite the appetite),

Anyway, the purpose of this rant is to let you know, even if you  tell your kids stories that are complete and utter LIES in order to entertain yourself, they likely will still end up okay. Hopefully.

The Time the Pope Was My Uncle

I was young, probably somewhere between 5 and 7 years old. I was spending the weekend with Dad, and The Pope (John Paul II) was in Baltimore.

My father proceeded to tell me that the Pope was my uncle. Better yet, he (The Leader of the Catholic Church) was going to stop by on his way up to Boston.

There was one caveat to this story. The only way he would come, is if I didn't tell my Mother.

So, me being the youthful deviant that I was, ran upstairs to quickly contact my Mother to tell her all the excellent and exciting news.

My Mother's response? "Are you crazy? That's the last place IN THE WORLD, The Pope would ever visit, so don't get your hopes up".

She was right. The Pope didn't show.

When Kevin was A Gladiator... and Astronaut... and ...

My Dad had an assistant, or second hand. Again, my Dad was a buyer and seller of things. He had a construction company, a second hand store, a few horses, a gym in his basement, and a Go Go Bar (a great place for a young woman to grow up in the kitchen of).

So, nevertheless, he needed some help around the house. Insert my Best Friend, Kevin.

This was when I was one.. I remember him a little plump-er

Kevin used to play Doom with me, instead of cleaning out the basement. We would play hide and seek when he was supposed to be fixing a fence.

He went to Six Flags with us and never made me ride those really high roller-coasters that made my stomach hurt. He also kept us company in the car, when we were driving to the half-way point to meet my Mom on a Sunday evening.

They told me that Kevin was an Astronaut, that he had walked on the moon BEFORE Neil Armstrong. I believed them.

They told me that Kevin fought in World War II, and he was a hero for the Germans. I believed them. 

They told me that Kevin was on American Gladiators, and he beat Hulk Hogan. I believed that too. 

They also schemed to make me believe that my Father was actually born a girl, and I would one day have a pecker of my own...

Dad, as a woman. Luckily, it was Halloween. 

On a side note: When my father walked me down the sandy isle at my wedding, between his tears he leaned over a whispered in my ear, "I told  you that you would have a pecker of your own one day!"  He was right. 

The Time I Thought That Weirdly Shaped Present was Awesome

Imagine this. It's Christmas morning... around 5:00 AM. You're approximately 7 years old.

Finally! Christmas is here! You've been waiting all year for this amazing morning to come to fruition, and there are a ton of presents perfectly wrapped under the tree.

You run towards to the oddly shaped prism of a present, about this shape and size...

It's propped up to the left of the tree and up against the sliding glass door. It's the first one that catches your attention! How interesting? What could it be? 

It's a poster. 

Of your father. 

Half naked and flexing .... and the amount of hair that he has suggests, it obviously was taken years before you were born.  

Here is a picture that will prove how ridiculous this present for an 7 year old really was... 

Yes, I kept it. I've got stories to tell. 

Olivia, horrified.

The time I turned out okay...

My Dad and his friends told me to, "go play in traffic" because I was being a normal-kid-level of annoying. I thought the bartender at The Ridge was my Uncle. I would come home after a long weekend with $100 from all the bets I won against the drunks at the bar, while my Dad was making his rounds.

I think it was good that my Mom and Dad had things going on that didn't completely revolve around entertaining me. I learned to self-entertain. It took me 27 years to perfect it - but I learned it nonetheless. 

My Dad always tells the story of when he had me in the truck, out plowing all night (snow that is, they have that up there in Jersey). I was little - I had a blue Fisher Price Booster Seat (tried to Google an image to insert here, but apparently someone at Fisher Price got smart and pulled it). According to the man, I sat there all night and didn't complain, whine, or cry. I just sat there while my Dad plowed the parking lots for money.

Of course I remember it differently, but that's neither here nor there (apparently I only complained inside my mind - but for the record - it was treacherous). 

Maybe that's what all kids from our generation did. By "Our" I mean LATE 80's - still not so sure about the born-in-the-90's kids (or any other generation actually, this blog is very egocentric).

Today, kids need to be entertained 24-7. Even my little princess, who I admire for being so self-entertaining, still needs a butt-load of entertainment. Entertainment that I wasn't raised to provide for her, and too young to imagine for her. (Enter Aunt Lauren - wink wink)

No one is perfect. No parent or parental coupling, is perfect (many aren't even really all that good at it). 

Me: "Oh Dear God, Bless this Man. I'm the Only Hope He Has"

It's subjective though, isn't it? I mean, all you judgy-judgersons out there may look at me as if maybe I'm not doing it right.

Well, good thing I'm raising my kid instead of yours.

Top 5 Super Bowl Commercials of 2015

Football; an emotional word for some, not me... but some.

The Super Bowl marks the end of either, a very long or very short season, depending on which camp you are in.

People watch the Super Bowl for one, or any combination, of three reasons. 

1) You love the game

2) You love the Entertainment Value (Commercials/Half Time), or

3) Peer Pressure

(Feel free to insert either "like" or "are intrigued by", in lieu of "love" in any of the aforementioned phrases) 

Me, personally - I am teetering somewhere between two and three - but no where near reason number one. (Sorry to The League of Lovely Ladies. I play Fantasy Football for the camaraderie and because ESPN is on 24-7 in my house... I need to do something with that knowledge)

I feel as though I could really enjoy watching football - if only it wasn't so ridiculously SLOWWWWWWW. I have stuff to do.. Let's get a move on! 

During the regular season, the commercial quality is that of those I fast forward through -during the shows that actually entertain me. The fact that they come every five minutes, is what leads to the boring-ness of it all. 

For sitcoms, or even hour-long drama series, there is something happening when the commercials are over. When they're over during a Football game, you likely will still just be watching people stand around a field plotting a strategy (of which you are not privy to) and waiting for a decision to be made, or ball to be thrown...or whatever else makes the game GO again. 

Now, if they were to share with us (the TV-watchers), the PLAN, maybe then would it be worth all the waiting. Then....we would know who to blame when something goes wrong. 

Take watching Poker on TV, for instance. We (the TV-watchers) know what cards each player is holding. Therefore - we know who is good at their job, or who is terrible at their job and in turn should be fired. 

With Football, on the other hand, we don't know who should be fired. You may think you know, but "they don't know... we know, they know, we know" (MVP).  

Who is to blame, is purely speculation and essentially subjective. 

Speaking of subjective... here is a countdown of My Top Five Commercials of the 2015 Super Bowl. 

5. Budweiser #BestBuds

I know, I know... 5? Yes. It's at number five. I wasn't a fan of 

A) How the dog got lost - still confused about that one, and 

B) The Wolf thing. 

But... They paid tribute to the spectacular 2013 and 2014 Super Bowl Commercials - which (I needed to watch again to make sure I was linking the correct videos) still make me cry. 

4. BMW I3 - Newfangled Idea

I love me some nostalgia (as proven by the hot dance moves I was displaying when Missy Elliott came out during the Half Time Show). 

If you were late to your Super Bowl party, you may have missed it. It was in the beginning and it reminded me of my childhood. 

You know, I actually met Katie Couric once! We went to NYC on Christmas Eve and she was taking autographs and pictures outside of the studio. She pointed out that I had a Sharpie stain on my over-sized jacket.... 

3. Coca-Cola #MakeItHappy

This was my favorite... until I saw the next two. I love the idea, the message, the delivery... I loved everything about it. Specifically 

A) The baby with the fist pump, and 

B) "No one likes U" being transformed to "There's no one like you" ... 

2. Loctite Glue - Positive Feelings

Did you just watch that? It's hilarious! 

If you're one of those who didn't see the humor... you probably don't like Will Ferrell movies either. Listen, you need to just relax and watch the movies alone. That way you can laugh freely without judgement. They're good. 

1. Always - #LikeAGirl

Bittersweet. In fact, I literally started crying in front of my Super Bowl party. They yelled, "Aww, Mildred" (When I cry I make a face, like someone who looks like their name should be Mildred). 

Women take themselves for granted all too often. See yourself as you once saw yourself. Amazing. 

You are either an amazing woman or you know an amazing woman. 

Now, go show the world! 

Over and out. 

6 Ways My 6 Year Old is Just Overall Better Than I Am

Good news, I got out of going to the fair...

After I wrote my last blog post I started to think about how  my blog is supposed to be a "Mommy" with a "Vice". Yet, all I have even mentioned was my "Vice" and not a lot about the "Mommy" aspect.

Like I said, I will give you my best - every time. Well my best, is at the fair without me.

Let me ridiculously clear, I am still extremely happy that I didn't have to go and I deserve the house to myself every once in a while. Even if it is to do chores and homework in private, at least it's peaceful. On the opposite end of the spectrum, my saint of a husband is battling crowds, dirt, screaming children, farm animals, and the constant requests to purchase things and play games that we certainly don't need and frankly can't afford-in the cold (sorry to anyone who doesn't live in Florida and is actually cold right now, but you chose to live there - and I'm not in the frame of mind to feel guilty about that too).

I do feel guilty though, even though I shouldn't. He gets the house to himself all the time! Olive runs around with me every where I go. She's like a walking-talking, pocketbook. Can't leave home without her. Even when I try (which is relatively always). Any time that I'm not home, he gets the house to himself. When I leave, she wants to come with me, and when he leaves she wants to stay with me.  It's a catch 22.

It's okay though, because I am raising my future best friend.

Isn't it ridiculous that there are men and women out there who are married, financially stable, college graduates that can't have kids; yet a 19 year old waitress, who has no idea which way is up, gets to? It's not fair, but it was meant to be.

These are only some of the ways I know that this magical creature is better than I am ...

1. She is More Brave Than I Ever was.. Ever
(Maybe not as brave as the lady weighing in at Publix this afternoon, but brave nonetheless.)

Splash Mountain at 4 Years Old

This morning, Olivia came into my room while she was getting ready for "Favorite Book Character Day" at school. She told me that she finally told the boy she likes, that she likes him.

What? I had a full-length conversation with her in the car on the way home from school yesterday. Maybe it was only 6 minutes long, but whatever it was pretty in-depth. We talked about who sat with who at lunch and.. what they ate.
Maybe it wasn't that in depth, but I left the door to conversation open.

Anyway, she just blurted out to some kid in her class that she likes him. Mind you I have NEVER heard this kid's name come out of her mouth before this morning, I actually can't even remember what his name is; but she told him. I remember having a crush on the same kid from Kindergarten until the day before he told me he liked me in 5th grade. I never uttered a word of it!

My instinct was to tell her, "What are you crazy? Why would you tell him that?" Then, I didn't.

God knows I didn't necessarily do everything the right way, so who am I to tell her that her way is wrong?

So.. I spent the next 20 minutes running a quick Google search on boy-crazy 6 year olds - and I've moved past it.

2. She is a special kind of smart... 

I was in gifted when I was in Elementary and Middle School. Gifted down here means, essentially you are in accelerated classes throughout your entire 12 year Public School Career. Back home in the 90's, all it meant was that you skipped TV time, or reading, or some other un-necessary and fun activity, to go do puzzles and solve riddles in the library with people who were smarter than you.

Anyway, because of the ego-boost from being labeled as a "gifted" child, I always just went with it. Going about life, thinking I was smart. It worked for me.

This kid, she's a special kind of smart.

One of the recent 'tiffs' we had was her sassy-talk-back crap. We would always tell her "Don't Talk Back" or "Don't Be Fresh". Did it stop her?

No. It didn't.

One day, around Halloween we said it again. This time, having being tired of hearing it I could only assume, she responded "I Don't Know What Talking Back Means!"

...Wait a minute...

I distinctly remember never knowing what that meant myself. I never really knew what it meant until my daughter started to do it about a year ago. How was she supposed to know?

Better yet. Why didn't I ever point out to anyone that I had zero-zilch-nada idea what they were talking about????  And why on earth would I turn around and use it with my own kid!

Well... The age old problem of only adult-hypocrit parents knowing what the phrase, "don't talk back" really means... Was solved by my kid. 

(Now we have a safe word. It's Pumpkin [that's how I knew this happened in October]. Whenever she talks back, we say PUMPKIN, and she has to stop talking no matter what else is on her mind. She can reflect back on what she just said - and therefore understand that - whatever that was - was the definition of talking back). 

3. She is HILARIOUS

An actual picture of her spelling test. 

If you think these blog posts are funny... (the optimistic me would hope so) you should meet my kid. Her hilarity is most of the reason why she molded into sassy. Her responses to some of our scoldings, made us Laugh Out Loud. It's much easier to judge other parents for not appropriately responding to their children, than it is to appropriately respond to your own. 

This is getting a little long.. so I'll try to wrap it up.

She was about 2.5 years old when this story took place. Will, Emily and I were all out on the patio eating dinner, and arguing about Justin Bieber. Why my husband was arguing with an 11 year old about how Justin Bieber isn't a "real artist" is a question I can never answer. 

The argument started to get a little heated, to a loud-talking level when Olivia blurted out (screaming) "Everybody QUIET!... SHHHHH" and once everyone got quiet - she let out an exacerbated, quiet and frustrated "F*$k....".

This is the kind of stuff that I'm talking about! She was two! It didn't even sound right. How don't you laugh at that? Of course we tried,  but common. Give me a break.

4. She Loves With Every Inch of Her Heart

I know there are parents out there who feel as if the Santa thing is "lying", or "cruel". My response to that is this... You're ridiculous.

Sorry, but really? It's not that serious, you need to calm down.  If you are in a situation where you can provide an amazing Christmas experience for your children, it is absolutely your obligation to do so.

There will be plenty of time for politics and anger towards the world later in life... let this moment live as long as possible.

I'm off on a tangent again but, as a matter of fact... I bet when you heard all those horror stories about children being mad at their parents when they found out, news flash: that was because they were mad that they found out... not mad they were lied to. 

Anyway, when Olivia was in Pre-School - she asked Santa for three things for Christmas. Three.

She went to a private pre-school; with children who socially belonged in a private pre-school. She didn't socially or economically belong there. The fact that all year long, every time she asked for something in the store or wanted something  she saw on TV, my response was "Ask Santa", and then the time comes to really ask Santa and she asked for only three things? That's special.

Olive opening her Easy-Bake Oven. 

1) An Easy-Bake Oven ... and yes we were aware she would use it once and it would go back up into the closet for the remainder of eternity

2) A Picture of her Family 

3) Flowers

So, Santa obliged. That year for Christmas, among her pile of toys was in fact, an Easy-Bake Oven, a Picture of her Family and a Fresh Bouquet of Flowers.

When she woke up and walked into the living room and saw the pile of presents (wrapped in Santa paper, because that's how Santa wraps ALL his presents) ... she walked over to the bouquet of Flowers, then... she turned around to hand them to ME. She said she didn't know how else to buy me something for Christmas because she doesn't have any money.

If there is not a tear welling up in your eyeball right now, you're dead inside. (MVP)

5. She Doesn't Give Up

I remember myself hating cheerleading... and swimming... and dance... and the list goes on and on. There actually isn't much I enjoyed doing, come to think of it. And Olivia has followed in my footsteps - we have been having a hard time picking something she likes to do.

Last year, for God only knows what reason, we joined a COMPETITION cheerleading squad so Olivia could have a little taste of Cheerleading.

FYI if you want to have a "taste" of something, don't join a contractual Cheering Obligation that requires you to travel all over the state and PURGE money. 

It was the very last competition of the season and Olivia finally had a "stunt". She was so ridiculously excited about it, it made ME nervous.

Then, when the time came, she ran to the wrong side of the floor and missed her stunt.

She broke down in tears. In front of the team, judges, her coach... it was essentially the entire auditorium. She looked at her coach who told her it was okay and motioned for her to keep going. And guess what... she kept going. Not me, I would've ran off the stage and out the back door. Good thing she didn't look to me because, those were the motions I was making - the running man, and waving my hand for her to exit stage left.

She finished the routine, they won Second Place (they didn't have a shot at first anyway, because first place's entire team could do synchronized back hand springs), and she finished the season. Even though she didn't like it, and she didn't want to. She didn't give up.




6. She's A Really Good Dancer

(If you skip forward to 1 minute you'll be glad that you stuck around)

Well, that's all I've got to say about that.